While the uncertainty can be disorienting, in another sense you are home. In this realm terror and exhilaration co-arise and weave in and out of one another. There are waves of hope and fear, but they are arising and held in a vast field of awareness. You are no longer able to perceive the fear as an enemy coming at you from the outside, but as a secret emissary of the beloved, a special tour guide taking you into the embodied wisdom of the somatic world.
Yes, the longing can be excruciating at times… for healing, for transcendence, for understanding, for some magical ‘other’ to come and remind you of how whole you truly are. There is a cosmic ache for clarity, for ground, and for some resolution to all the contradictions. A yearning for just a moment of rest and respite from the raging, full-spectrum relentlessness of the unknown.
You might as well just give it all up. For there is no resolution. Only more invitations into the somatic-sensual world. Fortunately, you are seeing that it is not resolution that you are truly seeking anyway. But wild aliveness. These conundrums have been placed inside you by the beloved herself, to open and close the networks of dark and of light, seeding your tender pathways with the fruit of integration.
Dare to see that no mistake has been made. Only more path. Only more naked vulnerability. Only more sensitive revelations of your one raw beating heart.
Right in between your death and your rebirth is the secret place. Stay there and listen. And feel the waves of sweet and fierce love, as they descend and wash through.