Unless we are willing to commit to staying fully embodied to the very intense surges of grief, rage, shame, and fear that arise naturally in the life of a sensitive human being, we will always be looking outward to locate the cause of our flatness, our despair, and our lack of aliveness. Each time we send our miracle awareness outside ourselves, spinning off into shame, blame, interpretation, and the variety of styles of disembodiment, we further entrench the ancient groove of self-abandonment and keep ourselves in the reality of a young child scrambling to ensure their psychic and emotional survival.
We believe that if we can ‘pin’ our suffering and our struggle onto a particular person or specific aspect of our life situation – to some event or something someone said or did to us – then through ‘solving’ that situation, cutting and running from that particular person, or changing the outer configuration, it can appear as if we are moving forward – and that we can return to safety once and for all from the wild aliveness of our vulnerability in all its forms. But by doing so, we are only shuffling around the deck chairs on the Titanic.
While it may appear we are practicing kindness toward ourselves, in locating the source of our struggle in ‘bad’ others and in a mistattuned world, we are only digging ourselves deeper into a hole of self-abandonment and self-aggression. By continuing to do so – often in very subtle ways including through ‘spiritual’ teachings and ideas – we are placing ourselves in the position of a victim, which is one of the most unkind and unloving things we can ever do, for it is not possible to truly care for ourselves from this very unsafe place. There is nothing less safe than being a victim.
The aliveness and the intimacy we are so longing for is always and already here, but we may be surprised to discover that it is hidden inside the very core of the emotions, feelings, and sensations that we have spent our entire lives ensuring we will never have to consciously participate in. We have placed these feelings outside of awareness due to a very early, archaic belief that to stay embodied to them would place our survival at risk. This threat was likely very accurate as a young child in your family of origin, but is now quite out of date and love is here now, knocking on the door of your heart in the form of all of the parts and pieces of yourself you have disconnected from and left abandoned in the cold and the dark, shut out of your somatic brilliance.
Stay embodied to your vulnerability as it arises in the miracle here and now, for this is the ultimate act of self-love. Infuse it with the gift of your presence and open your heart to its unfolding and illumination – and bear witness to the shame, the blame, and the compelling narratives of self-abandonment as they dissolve into the tender, spacious majesty that you are.